This. Is. Northwestern. Football.
We have a kink. But weâre not here to shame anyone.
We watch, probably, because we hope itâll get better. We hope that this team wonât turtle on offense when the opposing QB leaves the game with an injury. We hope that we wonât be able to predict run-run-pass on three consecutive first, second and third downs. We hope, for some reason, that watching Northwestern will give us joy.
It has before.
OK, now letâs blame some things. (If you missed the first one of these and youâre not quite sure whatâs going on, click here. Or donât. Youâll pick it up quickly.)
đ”Blame the Body Clocks
Remember back in 2015 when the then-chairman of the College Football Playoff blamed Stanfordâs season-opening loss in Evanston on discombobulated âbody clocksâ that led to a somewhat slow start.
It was funny. We laughed. We made jokes.
But âŠ
⊠here we are. Itâs now 2019. And Northwestern is 1-4. And Iâm looking for something to blame.
Northwestern has yet to have a lead in a game where they didnât play a 1-4 Mountain West team. And theyâve scored three points in the combined first quarters of those four non-UNLV games.
You could call Northwesternâs offensive starts âslow.â But youâd be wrong. âSlowâ is when this team is performing in the 90th percentile of possible outcomes.
When Northwesternâs offense comes out for its first drives of games, they are unfathomably horrific, completely inept, and âuncoordinated.â Again, Iâm going to be transparent about throwing out the UNLV game because of a little thing called narrative. But, in Northwesternâs four losses this year, they have done the following with their first offensive possessions:
3 plays, 4 yards, interception
3 plays, 0 yards, punt
3 plays, 2 yards, punt
3 plays, 0 yards, punt
And the sad thing is that thereâs not much improvement after those first drives. Northwestern hasnât yet taken a lead in any of these games. When Northwestern scores for the first time, the team is already losing by an average of 8.5 points. And when Northwestern scores its first touchdown, the average deficit has been 16.
Body clocks. Itâs a thing, alright. And Iâll blame them if I want to. Thereâs a bye week now, so letâs get those tickers in order.
đ”Blame the âHuskers
Northwestern-Nebraska has been a fun matchup since Big Red joined the Big Ten. But no game was more fun than the one on Nov. 2, 2013.
First off, Memorial Stadium is awesome. Itâs massive. Itâs got a unique mix of historic elements and modern amenities. Itâs loud. The fans are juuuust patronizing enough to be fun.
I covered the game and went down to the field for the last two minutes. It was a weird game with a bunch of injuries, but Northwestern took the lead on a field goal with like a minute left. Nebraska had to bring in its backup QB for a last-ditch drive and ended up near midfield with a few seconds left.
Hail Mary time.
I was standing pretty much even with the goal line on the near side of the field. After the ball was launched, I was sure it was going to land short. And it was going to. But there was just one problem:
First, the tip. Then, the touchdown. It was wild. And it led to one of my favorite press conference ever.
Fitz walked in, and it was dead silent.
âHow is the team doing?â I asked.
He looked at me, a freshman reporter, and fired back. âHow do you think theyâre doing?â he said. âHow do you feel?â
âI donât feel anything. Iâm supposed to be unbiased,â I said because I was a good journalist.
âWell, youâre not,â Fitz shot back.
I, truly, had no response.
A bit later, a running back named Treyvon Green walked in to talk. A reporter asked, âTreyvon, how are you doing?â
âIâm great! Feeling good,â he answered joyfully.
We all looked at each other for a minute, confused about the answer he gave just minutes after a devastating loss. Then we were reminded that Green was dinged up in the game but still finished with 149 yards and 3 touchdowns. A few of us laughed. Then we drove 10 hours back to Evanston.
The End.
#FireMcCall Tweet of the Week
A truly great bit. Please read Ben Gorenâs âNorthwestern loses to the Akron Zips again.â
I Went to Medill
Here are some fun numbers, brought to you by Inside NUâs Joe Weinberg.
Northwestern punter Dan Kubiuk has had a pretty crazy journey to finally become the teamâs starting punter in his sixth year. Jonah Dylan of the Daily Northwestern profiled him.
Mila Jasper of WNUR Sports will be following the Northwestern womenâs volleyball team this season.
#idontcare Question of the Week
[REDACTED] from [REDACTED] via Twitter DM asks:Â âWhere does derek [sic] pardon rank in NU basketball history â Anonymous submissionâ
This person truly wanted this to be off the record for some reason. So, youâre welcome, [REDACTED].
The question stemmed from a tweet from the Northwestern menâs basketball team that referred to Dererk Pardon as âone of the best to ever wear the uniform.â
Because this is getting long, my short answer is yes. Pardon is probably in the 9-through-12ish range of the best players in Northwestern menâs basketball history. That qualifies him as âone of the best,â especially when you consider his position.
Ask me a question by responding to this email, sending me a telegram, or shooting me a Twitter DM. Whateverâs easiest.
Thanks for sticking with another edition of đ”Blame the Phones. While the âCats have a bye week, I wonât have one. Iâll be back in your inbox next Tuesday.
And remember, if you want to be one my bag people, itâs here.
Until next time,
Josh Rosenblat
P.S. If you have a friend that you think would enjoy this, forward this email to them or send them to blamethephones.substack.com. Thanks!